The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

It isn't easy to grab my attention, and if you do. It isn't easy to keep me interested. This is the case in every situation I grasp in life, from the likes of men, food, to reading books.
I am notorious for starting a book and giving up due to lack of depth/pace and/or boredom. Infact, I have given up on more books than I have ever completed reading to the last page.

I'm very excited to read this book, only because I managed to complete 'A Thousand Splendid Suns' by Khaled Hosseini. It was extremely powerful and gripping, I felt inspired and mean spirited once I closed the book. Infact it marked a presence in my life.

I expect to see the same results from this book!

Go away - I'm taking her home!

I write this entry because I've been in this scenario twice now and honestly - I don't know how I feel about it!

So I have plans to go out with male friend/s, everything goes well. We are having a great time behaving like utter lunatics whilst under alot of influence. As men are natural protectors (or atleast they allow us to believe), I can drink to a certain extent without any fear because I will be taken home and tucked into bed if the worst ever happens.

BUT HANG ON A SECOND - No wait!!!!! In the midst of everything, he says "I feel really bad to leave you but *insert whore's name here* wants to come over at mine, I really dont know what to do" As pissed off as I am deep within, I stay composed and assure him I will be alright, he should go and have fun. Afterall, it isn't as if he will get 'any' from me.

TWICE, goddamit... this has happened twice. I dont know how to feel, insulted? degraded? let down? unworthy?
Honestly, I feel rather insulted but that could be myself being overdramatic. I don't think I can rely on people like that.

Sexual urge

 I sit here on my bed with the laptop on my legs. In an hour I have to leave, I'm killing time browsing the internet but as I do this, my mind constantly wonders.

I smile to myself, he's in the room next door unaware of the dirt that is playing in my head.

I wish he were in my room crazy about me, wanting me. Passion unfolding between us, he rips off my clothes and has his way. I want to stroke his gorgeous tanned long torso, I want to feel each and every tight muscle in his abs. I want him to wrap his strong arms around me and bring me in. I want to feel his strength. I want him to look into my eyes with hunger, those lips. Oh my goodness, those lips, I want them, I want to kiss them, I want them all over me. I want him to slowly breathe down my neck. Drive me crazy. I want those manly hands all over my body, I want him to be rough, to have no mercy. I want us to work at it together, to reach new heights together. I want him to thrust inside me whilst I look into his eyes, I want to thrust back to show I'm working with him. I want more, and more. I want him to talk dirty to me, make me scream. I want to lose control in him, I want him SO BAD!

40" Hips

He asks "What size are your hips"
I respond "I think they are 37" but I am unsure, the last time I
measured them was many years back"
His face lights up "You're so close to 40", thats perfect"

Im happy, but I'm not upto his standard. 
He know's I wont sleep with him, I'm weird like that. I adore him so
much, Im weak around him but I will only sleep with someone whom I am
in a relationship with.

As the ever image concious woman I am, "40 inches" is glued in my
head. I go to the nearest department store a week later, head over to
their fitting rooms and grab the measuring tape. I with many hopes in
my mind go to the nearest fitting room and in nervous energy wrap the
measuring tape all the way around my hips, as I reach for the right
number, my face gleams. I am exactly "40 INCHES" in the hips. Oh I am
excited, I want to go and swing my 'perfect' hips around him and show
him what he's missing out on!

I think of ways to intiate the conversation, after all I'm hot and now
I'm hotter and he needs to know this. 

I await for that knock!

Brain Overloaded

I sit here hours on end procrastinating, as determined as ever yet
lost in thoughts. Thoughts which are meaningless, something I have no
power over.
I keep asking myself; "What are you worth?" "Where do you want to be?" 
Suddenly I feel powerful again, I have all the answers and I know what
to do........but, I'm distracted and hopeless.
Why do I cry over spilt milk? Why do I care? Why so much confusion?

..............................

I'm uncomfortable, I face it everyday in the harshest manner. I want
something I can't have, I want something that isn't worthy of me or my
time yet I wake up surrendered in his thoughts, wishing he were next
to me. He doesnt even flicker an eyelid for me, Im just a piece of
trash to him, this doesnt alter anything. I'm trapped and I'm falling
deeper and deeper. 

Lord, help me. Get me out. I have ambition, intelligence and plenty of
charisma. If you don't help me, I'll be just like the rest; a commoner.

I wait for that knock, it alters all the hatred I pent up within
myself to divert my emotions. That one knock makes me weak in the
stomach, the joy lights up my face. That temporary feeling I get from
the few moments of attention he bestows upon me is priceless, most
cherished. Im happy, it's enough.

What don't I have which he doesnt require in a gf? I have charm, I'm
playful, attractive, presentable, well mannered, domesticated, bubbly.
Isnt this what a man wants?

I have choice, plenty of it. Men who are willing to go down on their
knees, men who want me to take my time, men who are absolutely crazy
for me. I don't want them, I want him. 

I question myself, Is it lust? 

On that note, I'm off to grab some food and enjoy the evening with a
bottle of wine. Wine will drown my thoughts and I will still await for
that knock....tonight. I hope he knocks!