Brain Overloaded

I sit here hours on end procrastinating, as determined as ever yet
lost in thoughts. Thoughts which are meaningless, something I have no
power over.
I keep asking myself; "What are you worth?" "Where do you want to be?" 
Suddenly I feel powerful again, I have all the answers and I know what
to do........but, I'm distracted and hopeless.
Why do I cry over spilt milk? Why do I care? Why so much confusion?

..............................

I'm uncomfortable, I face it everyday in the harshest manner. I want
something I can't have, I want something that isn't worthy of me or my
time yet I wake up surrendered in his thoughts, wishing he were next
to me. He doesnt even flicker an eyelid for me, Im just a piece of
trash to him, this doesnt alter anything. I'm trapped and I'm falling
deeper and deeper. 

Lord, help me. Get me out. I have ambition, intelligence and plenty of
charisma. If you don't help me, I'll be just like the rest; a commoner.

I wait for that knock, it alters all the hatred I pent up within
myself to divert my emotions. That one knock makes me weak in the
stomach, the joy lights up my face. That temporary feeling I get from
the few moments of attention he bestows upon me is priceless, most
cherished. Im happy, it's enough.

What don't I have which he doesnt require in a gf? I have charm, I'm
playful, attractive, presentable, well mannered, domesticated, bubbly.
Isnt this what a man wants?

I have choice, plenty of it. Men who are willing to go down on their
knees, men who want me to take my time, men who are absolutely crazy
for me. I don't want them, I want him. 

I question myself, Is it lust? 

On that note, I'm off to grab some food and enjoy the evening with a
bottle of wine. Wine will drown my thoughts and I will still await for
that knock....tonight. I hope he knocks!